Amateur Surgeon: The Novelization
by The Lovely Vocal
Summary: Alan Probe always wanted to be a surgeon, but was stuck as just a pizza delivery guy. His live changes one day when he accidentally runs over a hobo. This is Alan Probe: Amateur Surgeon. (Rated M for realistic descriptions of surgery)


**Based on the Adult Swim flash game. Credits to Bethesda for Today's Physician magazine.**

Wheels turned as the pizza van whizzed by, swerving to avoid the elderly, children, and small animals. Just the end of another work day for Alan Probe.

Alan Probe was bored with his job after working there for the past year. It didn't pay well, but it was something. Eat'cha Pizza didn't have a very good USDA ranking, but nobody in this neighborhood really cares. He was about to give them an even worse reputation as he thought it was a good idea to read the latest medical magazine. He kept an eye on the road just to be safe, because he isn't a total moron.

Images of scalpels, surgical instructions, and the latest in medical miracles filled his head. Oh how he wished he could be the Surgeon General, or even just a surgeon in general. Sadly, being a surgeon requires an "education" and "experience" and a "steady hand." Alan's hand was steady enough! He drives perfectly fine with one hand!

Besides, the old man who jumped out in front of him came out of nowhere. That wasn't his fault anyways.

Alan slammed down on the breaks as soon as face hit windshield, the sudden stop throwing the old man a few more feet onto the concrete. "Oh my God!" he screamed. He climbed out of the van as fast as he could, ready to call 9-1-1 to report the incident. But even this moron knows that the ambulance wouldn't be here in time to save him. "Oh God, I killed a dead hobo!"

"I'm not dead!" called the old man from his trench coat. He coughed up a bit of blood before he asked, "Quick, cut me open!"

Alan put away his cell phone and looked in the van. He was looking for something relatively clean, like a letter opener or a switchblade. Sadly, the sharpest thing he could find was a pizza cutter. "I'm sorry, sir, but all I have is this!"

The old man grunted and took a swig of cough syrup before propping his back against a wall. "That'll do. Now cut me open, God damn it!"

Alan grabbed his pizza cutter and tore a hole in the man's shirt, looking at his bruised chest. The man pointed with a shaky hand to just next to his right pectoralis major. "Cut here, and don't stop until you hit bone"

Alan was taking a pretty tall order, more than any pizza boy has taken before. He was scared at first, but then he remembered: "this is what I wanted" He peeled back the skin and pectoral of the old man, blood leaking onto his belly. While any normal young man would be nauseous at the sight of a mangled body, Alan had seen enough of it in Today's Physician to have some knowledge of what it looks like. Of course, it's more jagged and pointy than the photos.

"Of course, my ribcage is shattered" said the old man. He winced in pain as the pectorals were peeled back some more. "Putting them back in place should be easy enough!"

"Uhm, how do I do that?"

"Just jam them back in and I'll tell you the next step!" The man groaned some more as he shouted, having difficulty breathing when his lungs are so bruised. Thankfully, him being high on cough syrup was enough to keep the pain from being agonizing.

"Hold on, buddy" Alan said, giving a look of determination and holding up a rib. "You aren't gonna die on me!"

The ribs were jammed back inside, an awkward jigsaw puzzle with the sternum and remaining pieces. They were finally in their right places, but were loose. "What now?"

The old man thought for a bit. "Do you have any needles and thread?"

Alan smiled because the guy finally got to something he does know. "No, but I have a stapler. Those can act as a replacement for stitching!"

"That'll do" the old man said. This led to an even more painful event of Alan using his stapler to nail the rib fragments together, but it was all worth it in the end. "You can take those out later. For now, just patch me up"

"Got it," the pizza boy said. He then pulled the pectorals back together, stapling the tendons back to his sternum and closing the cut. The old man sighed before pulling out a lighter to cauterize the cut.

Alan was amazed at himself. He, without a degree or experience, just saved a man's life by performing surgery! He was also amazed with the hobo, who was able to talk him through the surgery while being operated on.

All Alan could say right now is, "Who are you?"

The old man closed his trench coat and stood tall. "I am Dr. Ignacious Bleed, retired surgeon"

Alan was starstruck, and knew exactly what to ask next. "Can you teach me? How to do surgery?"

"Teach surgery?" Dr. Bleed asked. "No, I can't. Not again"

"Please! My life as a pizza boy is so boring! And I have a crap load of tools back home, and I have a pool table in the warehouse for operating!"

Dr. Bleed adjusted his glasses in annoyance. "And who would want to be operated on by a washed-up old tramp and a pizza boy?"

That was when another crash was heard just a block away.

"... Get in the van. And get ready to operate"

Alan climbed back into the driver's seat and drove off to the next case. Today he isn't just some pizza boy. He finally achieved his dream.

He was Alan Probe: Amateur Surgeon.


End file.
